Dying inside

It's nearly 5 days since we didn't talk. And I barely made it. It's killing me, it's just killing me to see him smiling but I'm not the reason. I'm suppose to make him smile, I'm suppose to be there 'mentioning' him. You must be thinking that I'm selfish, aren't you? But I'm not. Instead of getting what I truly desire, which is talking to him, I'm here, staying away as far as I can because I don't want to ruin the moment he's having with his friends. I just feel like he didn't want me in his life anymore. And I just don't know why. Sometimes I feel like I want to be that girl on my last post, the story. I feel like suicide is the best thing to do right now. I would do it, I really would if it's not prohibited by Islam. If I'm not with him, there's no better place for me except beside HIM, the creator. I cried almost every day, for the last five days, thinking about him and what he's doing and who's besides him right now. And I come up with the most horrible things, and I end up crying, again. I re-read our conversations, our texts, and I end up crying.