Hey guys, I'm still alive. Breathing.

2nd October 2013.

          Hey guys. It's been a while since I last publish. Everything's going back to normal, my life is turning back to normal. So.... What had I been doing for the past months since I last blog? Well, I study (lying) haha. I was trying to get my life back. See, my dad passed away on May the 28th.

         It was hard the first month though, but I guess me, my sister and my brother are strong people so we hide away our feelings and just be strong with it. It's not going to bring him back if we continue mourning over him, right? And I think he won't rest in peace if he knows we're still sad over his death. So we decided to just cherish the moments we had with him and remember his as the greatest dad in the world and may his body rest in peace, aminnnn.

          Moving on, I am gladly to tell you guys that I am in love with no one :))) Thank god. It would be miserable if I am. Okay here's the thing, I have known quite a few guys and they seem to be interested in me (uh huh. Pls believe me) but I just can't be with them. I just can't feel the same way as they have for me. I am constantly turning to one of the bad guys who like to tear people apart, you know? I don't want to be that girl at all. Like, at all! So, what do I do? I am constantly running away from them. One moment I was all good with them, laughing and all but then I vanished. Because I am afraid. SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. HELP


11th May 2013.

          So, basically it's been ages since the last post. I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm numb (it's not that you didn't know this before). But I'm serious. I just couldn't receive nor give love, towards a guy (of course). It just feels like an impossible thing to do; loving someone. I met this guy, he's nice and all, but I just can't seem to receive the love he's been shoving and I just can't give anything in return. I just feel like I'm the 'bad guy' because he's really really nice. 

          And I'm still thinking about him every now and then. He still haunts me. I still wish that he realize what a mistake he's making and come back to me. I AM STILL CONFUSED.

That was a love story that has no happy ending.

May 2013.

I'm starting to doubt that I really moved on. I don't know. Maybe I have moved on but I still care. I still care enough to make me think of him every day, but I don't care that much to let him hurt me again. I just don't know. This is confusing as hell. All the quotes I read remind me of him. That was the love story that had no happy ending. I was aware of that. I tried to stay away a couple of times, but I just couldn't. I remember he once gave me a quote saying, "Some people are meant to be in love with each other, but not meant to be together." Have you ever seen something you've seen quite some time ago but the effect is still the same on you until the present day. You still feel the same amount of pain you felt when you first saw it? This is exactly how I feel.

Confession of a guy

          She is so perfect. Her big black giant eyes, her eyelashes, oh god her eyelashes. Everything about her is perfect. It's so perfect until it hurts. It hurts to see her talking to other guys. It hurts to see her laugh knowing that I'm not the reason. I made her laugh numerous times, and it felt wonderful. If I could be doing only one thing in this world, to make her smile, I would do. But I know that deep in her heart she would never see me as someone more than a friend. What could I offer? What else to offer? I have nothing and she deserves someone who is willing to give everything. She deserves someone better, much much better than me.

          We spend most nights together; laughing, talking. She knows me better than anyone else in the world and I am sure that I know her more than she ever knew. I remember all the little details she told me, I know that she really likes something if she ever talks about it more than twice, I know that when she is on her period, she tends to have cramps and gets super emotional, and I would listen to her complaining about how unhappy she is, and how ugly she looks, and how fat she is getting. I would tell her she is beautiful inside and out every time she is about to break down. I know that she loves chocolate but get sick from it way too fast. I know that she always pick tea over coffee.

          It's just something I don't really have a clue about. Being in love with her hurts so much. It hurts to see her cry, hating herself, and all I could do is hold her. If I had the ability to do anything, I would want to pick her insecurities out of her soul so she would lover being her. It hurts to see her with the jerks out there who don't know how to treat her right. Loving her hurts too much.

          But that doesn't mean I will stop loving her. That doesn't mean I will stop protecting her. Even if she can't love me as a lover, at least she loves me as a friend, or a brother, that would be more than enough. Love doesn't always mean having that person by your side as your lover. Love sometimes means the willing to do anything for the person even though that means hurting yourself. I just want to make her happy. I just want to see her smile. I want to see those big black eyes sparkle again. I want to see that lips curve a smile again. I want to hear that voice laugh again.

I just want to make her happy. Because my happiness lies on her.

730 days

So here goes nothing...

          Today has been 4 years since I've known him, 3 years since I'm in love with him, 2 years since we dated, and a year since we officially broke up. I've tried my hardest to at least breathe. Life, for me, has been so wrong since then. I look left, mistakes. I look right, errors. I can barely look in front, because whenever I try to look at it, I see nothingness-emptiness-darkness. So, I'm basically stuck here with no life ahead. I can only walk down the memory lane which will probably break me down even more. Everything's clear to me, every single detail, every single word he said, it's just so crystal clear.


4 years ago...

          I could breathe fresh air again. Being stuck inside a hospital for a year nearly killed me. Birds were singing songs that only heaven can interpret. Sitting under a big old oak tree, with lavender and thyme essence, nothing can go wrong. Nothing could go wrong. With favourite novel in hand, I was ready to get out of this realm and escape to another realm; realm of imagination. I needed no interruption, when suddenly an unknown guy greeted me with the most dumbest question ever. "Have you eaten? Wait, you're cute!" just slipped out of his mouth like it was nothing. I was really annoyed, plus he cracked three lame jokes, I was near to walk away before he made some really funny jokes and successfully made me laugh, twice, and that's when I thought he's not an enemy. His face reminded me of Zayn Malik. Not as flawless as the singer, but close.

3 years ago...

          It took me one whole year to get to know him deeply. What he is really like, in and out. I never really give that much of attention to him. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I know what he's like. But today was way different. I saw a whole other side of him that I never really saw before. I think I'm falling for this guy, hard. I knew this is real when he met me this really late at night after calling me asking how I was doing for the day, and I started crying because I got dumped. He asked to meet me at our first meeting, under the big old oak tree, and he held me, tight. Like, he was never going to let go. I remembered his smell, the pumping of his heart, the hotness of his skin on me, everything. I was feeling way better with him by my side. Ever since that night, I craved for his attention. But I kept it all inside. I bottled it all inside. No one needed to know, especially him.

2 years ago...

           It was officially 730 days since I've known him. Two years. 365 days since I've fallen for him. I was taken to a diner near my home to 'celebrate' the 730th day. Later that night, he brought me to the big old oak tree again. We lay down, the far-reaching sky as the roof. He reached out for my hand and I ended up laying down on his shoulder. My heart was beating as fast as a racer can go.
          "Do you like me?" he asked after being a complete silent for about 10 minutes.
          "Of course I do, idiot." I really hoped I sounded okay when I know I sounded shaky. I just couldn't hide it anymore.
          "As a brother to a sister?" he asked, finding my eyes.
          "Why do you even bother asking?" I sounded like I will burst out crying. In fact, I was about to because no one ever really knew how deep my love was for him. I have to bottled it all when he said he liked this girl, and that girl looked hot, and there was this one time where he asked me to ask for a girl's number because the girl smiled at him. And the girl was really pretty, there's no way in hell that she could ever fight with the girl. The girl dated him for about two months.
          "Because I don't think I feel the same as you are." he said, letting me go, and sat up. I guessed he knew that I loved him more than a friend, more than a bestfriend.
          "Okay.........." I just couldn't hold it any longer. I had to cry.
          "I love you. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way. But I do, I can't help it. I know this is cliché but I think of you every day before I went to sleep and you're the first person to ever linger on my mind just after I wake up every morning. I don't know what to do. I was so scared of telling you how I feel because I know you're not feeling the same way. I know you do love me but not in the same way. And I like that, but I hate that too. I like that because I know there's a special place for me in your heart but I hate that that special place for me is just as a bestfriend and not a lover."
          "Oh you idiot. I love you."
          "I know you do, as a brother." I could see that there was tear streamed down his cheek. I gently wiped it away with my fingers. Taking the chance to hold his face. His eyes, were so innocent, were so sad, yet so peaceful. I can drown inside it.
          "Shut up, already. I love you. As an ehm ehm."

1 year ago...

          I met the doctor today to do some check-ups. The doctor reminded me that my time is ticking. Tick tock tick tock. Time flew way too fast. 4 years has passed since the operation succeeded. I only have a year left. By this time my hair started falling. The next thing I would know is that I'm bald and super-sick. I know my time is near. I needed to stop playing around.
          "I wanted to talk." I started. This was not going to be good. I will hate myself for eternity.
          "Yes, darling? My beautiful angel?"
          "I know I should've told you earlier. But I have a brain tumour. And I have only a year left before I die. I'm dying."
          "W-w-what?" He stuttered.
          "I'm asking only one favour from you. Leave me."
          "Do you really want to?"
          "I desperately want to." I said. He cuddled me, and kissed me for the last time. The time that I will cherish every moment. I can still feel his soft lips rested against mine. I ran away, after that.


Dear Zayn-look-alike, 

                I saw you yesterday with the girl you once asked me to get her number. I'm happy that you got back together with her again. Who am I kidding? It hurts so much to even look at you guys. You guys are so perfect together. We were never perfect. Never. I was so awkward and you were so magnificent. You still are. We don't belong to each other anyway. As I'm writing this letter, I only have 5 minutes left. So, better make this quick. I want to make sure that this letter is safely in your hands. I knew I love you a year after we met. That's pretty insane, right? To hide my feelings for a year. But yea, I somehow manage it. When I die, could you please keep my heart? I told the doctor to open up my chest and take my heart out. This is my present for you, because you were always there, for me, when I needed someone. You were always there, comforting, telling me stories, made me stronger. So, this is my heart, as a significant that my heart will be yours. I don't know what I would be doing if you hadn't come into my life. I'm so thankful to have you here. I'm so sorry because I can't keep my promise to make you smile always. I hope the new girl will take my job. Just know that I will always be watching and smiling and loving you even after I'm dead. I love you. 


It makes it better

4th February 2013.

          The girl that has been strong finally broke down. After five months of computing that she has no longer exist in the one she loves's life, she just couldn't hold it any longer. She cried with swollen red shot eyes. She loved him. God knows how much she loved him. She still does. His name still makes her shiver. No matter how much of an asshole he can be, she still wants him. She's so very afraid to let go. Maybe one of the reason is that she's afraid that love like that will never come in her life again. But sure, it was never love to him. She knows that better now. They never talk now. She feels stupid of writing this because she knows that he never talks about her. Hell, she's 100% sure that he never even thinks of her.

I will never regret the day we started talking. You've teached me so much. There's so much to learn, too little time. I will never forget how stupid we can be together. I will never forget how bright my smile can be when you were here. I will never forget our little songs. I will never forget how you can be Adam Levine, Zayn Malik and Ashton Kutcher at the same time. You will never know how much of an impact you've made in my life.

I know how it feels

28th January.

So hi. This post is specially dedicated to the girls out there who doesn't feel confident about the way they present themselves. Who doesn't feel confident about their skin. Who thinks that they are not good enough. Well, I do feel that kind of way, most of the time. It brings me down, sometimes to a suicidal level. I know how it feels to cry at night wondering what did you do to deserve all of this nonsense. And started thinking that you are better off dead and feel guilty about thinking that because it's a sinful thing to think and you know there are a lot of people who are wishing to live. I know how it feels to fall in love with a guy but need to forget about actually confronting him because you know he will never like someone like you. I know how it feels to get all the negative vibes from the people around you even though that's the first time you ever saw them. I know how it feels. I know how it feels to be checking your phone every five minutes waiting for that someone to call or text and end up disappointing. I know how it feels to think that that special someone will never think of you in a special kind of way. I know how it feels to disappoint your parents even though you've tried your best doing exactly to make them proud. I know how it feels to feel like you're never going to be anyone's first choice. I know how it feels to think you would be better off dead.

Lessons that I get that makes me hold on to this day;

"Hey girls, you are beautiful. Don't look at those stupid magazines with stick-like models. Eat healthy and exercise. That's all. Don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough. You are good enough. You are too good. Love your family with all your heart and listen to it. You are gorgeous. Whether you are size 4 or 14. It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, as long as you're a good person, as long as you respect others. I know it's been told hundred of times before, but it's true. Hey girls, you are beautiful." - Gerard Way.

New year's shine

5th January 2013.

Before I write anything, I just wanted to say happy new year to all of you guys who is reading this.

I started this year with a terrible incident. Not gonna talk about it, but it's terrible. It shatters my soul. I think I'm still in shock about what had happened. I feel like that happy-go-lucky part of me has gone. Maybe it will come back, but not in the nearest future. I'm more of that quiet girl now. That girl who likes to be alone, book doesn't leave her hands, constantly reads. Spend a large amount of time in bed, on twitter and socialize (to keep people away from asking why in the world am I acting so differently these days.) Likes to search those quotes on Google/Tumblr/Twitter about having the strength to endure the pain she's holding. Forgiveness doesn't reach her, yet.

(I got 7A's for PMR, if you would like to know)


A smile.

14th December 2012.

I've always wanted to sit on top of a mountain, watching the full moon, with the moonlight flashing straight to my face. Enjoying the world, and admiring on how beautiful it is. Throw away the hatred, spit down the vengeance. And then what's left of me? Just a loving, happy girl. That's what I've been searching for this whole journey.

Before this very day, I've always think that the world is just nothing but a filthy, dirty place. Full of filthy, dirty people. Now I know that there's so much more in this world than that. I just have to dig the world harder, maybe to the earth's crust if it's necessary.

Now that I watch the hatred, the vengeance fly away, I feel so relieved; knowing that I'm free of those dangerous feelings. I don't know how I did it, but man I did it! High-five myself.

And for quite some time, I finally smile. Literally smile. A true smile.

Misfitting in

28th November.

She doesn't feel like she belonged. She tries so hard to make it perfect, to make everyone likes her. She still feels like she's misfitting in. Everyone says it would be better sooner or later, at least that's what she says to herself, to make sure she's still standing on her feet, to make sure she's still going strong.

It's hard not having people to share her worst times. She feels sorry for herself, but there's nothing she can do anymore. She keeps on trying so hard to trust people and there aren't many difference; that she still doesn't trust people. 

She feels like she's just going to annoy people. She feels like people will judge. She feels like people won't understand what problem she's facing everyday, that's haunting her every now and then.

It's just too hard to explain.

She decides to just keep it plain and simple.

Just act like she belonged!

Blend in!

To make sure that people won't give her the 'attention' that actually really needs.