August 8, 2002 - The day that he asked me to be his girlfriend. I remember it all so clearly as if it was just yesterday. I was only fifteen at the time and was about to enter the tenth grade at Hazzard High School. David was my first true love and hopefully my only. We met back in the third grade at a pie eating competition at the local community center. I took home the second place medal whereas he claimed the first place. Our relationship progressed from childhood playmates to high school lovers. Everyone considered us to be high school sweethearts.
David was an amazing person. He was one of the smartest and brightest students at Hazzard High. He had a well rounded personality which made him all that easier to love. His smile radiates happiness and could light up anyone’s day. He was also the strong type of guy who always gave his heart and mind to anything he set out to accomplish. In addition, David had a charming face and an outstanding body. His dark green eyes matched his perfectly chestnut brown hair. He was every girl’s dream man.
To this day, I haven’t had a single clue why he chose me in the first place. I had fairly light brown hair with emerald green eyes. Being a rather petite girl, I wasn’t sure how I came to look tall but it’s probably due to my fully developed complexions. Throughout my high school life, I had on dorky glasses making me ineligible to be a popular girl in school.
David and I have always had a strong connection. We knew each other’s feelings before it was said. He knew me inside out and I confide in him even more than my girlfriends. He was very easy to trust and he never broke that trust. I have admit that when I was younger, I had many fantasies about David and I being together. I dreamt that one day, I would become his princess and he would be my prince. Oh and of course, we would live happily ever after.
David was a very deep person. Everything he said had more meaning than you could ever imagine. I remembered his first gift for me which was a silver box. It wasn’t just an ordinary box though. He told me that whenever he wasn’t there and I needed someone to talk to, I could just open the box and say everything that’s on my mind into it and he would be able to hear it. It was my most precious gift.
David always had a whole crowd of girls surrounding him wherever he went. He attracted them faster than he could get rid of them. I knew his heart was mine and I had no fear of losing that. That was, until the year 2003. That was the year that my life turned from being the best to upside down. I had never experienced pain like I did that year.
August 8, 2003 - It was a bright sunny day. I remember every little detail as if it was tattooed into my brain. That day, I had worn my white shorts and blue tank top and walked to the park where David asked me to meet him. It was ten minutes to seven o’clock but it was not even a bit cold outside. Everytime I saw him, my heart skipped a beat. There he was in jeans, no matter how hot or cold the weather. He was simply standing there but I knew something was wrong. The expression on his face scared me. When I reached him, he gave me a quick and urgent kiss. Then he said the four words I never hoped to hear.
“We need to talk.” He said with a serious face. My heart raced like crazy and I started to shake. I was scared; terrified of what he would tell me.
“OK…” I said with a shaky voice. He took my hand and led me to the grass. We sat down and he looked at me straight in the eye. I didn’t dare to look back - afraid of what I would see. So I merely looked down at the grass.
“Fiona,” he said, “I have something to tell you. You might be upset with me but let me finish what I have to say before you come to conclusions. Last week, at a friend’s party, I met this girl. Her name is Ann.”
He took a deep breath and all I could do was cry silently.
“After the party, I got to know her better and I’m in love with her. I know this is all so unfair to you but hey, sometimes things happen and I can’t control it.”
I finally gathered the strength to look into his eyes. I put on a fake smile and asked him, “Are you happy with her?”
"What a stupid question", I thought. However, that was all my brain could come up with.
“Yes I am,” he replied.
“It’s not that being with you doesn’t make me happy or anything but when I’m with Ann, it’s like a whole different world. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yes I do…” I said with a heavy heart.
“I understand.” On the outside, I was happy, smiling even. But on the inside, I was hurting. When he had said those four words, it felt as if he took my heart and ripped it into pieces in front of my face. With each word, the pain felt like a thousand knives stabbing at the remnants of my heart.
“Promise me something okay? Promise me that you’ll completely forget about me, okay?”
“Fiona... I can’t...”
“Please? It would make me happy and it’s my final wish...”
“Okay then... I promise you. You’ll always be my best friend. Good bye.” He gave me one brief kiss on the check and walked away…
I sat on the grass, my heart heavy and my eyes swollen with tears. The world as I had known it has ceased to exist. I will never again know what it is like to laugh with my childish abandon because my childhood is behind me. Pain and sorrow will be my constant companions now that the love of my life is gone. I raised my eyes to watch him walk away forever into the crimson sunset. I don’t know how long I sat there. It could have been hours, or maybe just minutes. I wasn’t in a hurry to get home. I knew no one would be looking for me there. I couldn’t think.
The next few months were a blur. I dropped out of school, abandoned my friends, stopped eating and ceased all communication with anyone. Day after day I sat there filled with pain. The pain was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep each night, thinking about David and what used to be. I thought about all the kisses, hugs, laughter and happiness that we shared. I continuously wonder what I did wrong to make this wonderful love slip away.
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Before I knew it, summer 2004 had arrived. It’s been a year since he left me and I still haven’t gotten over him. David and Ann were doing great. They were practically married - unofficially I hope. I could tell that David was truly happy with her and he loved her deeply. However, the way she made him happy drives me crazy. Sometimes I wish that he would be unhappy. I wish that he would become fed up with her and come back to me instead. I was selfish and wanted everything that she has now; what should have been mine.
I would occasionally bumped into David and Ann from time to time. Everytime I see them, they were misled by the way I seemed to be coping on the outside. No one recognises me anymore. I had completely changed. I didn’t mind what people thought about me or how they looked down on me. No one could possibly understand how I was feeling. People told me that if I prayed, everything would be okay. I’ve said the words. Nothing happened and nothing changed. The world is a field of never ending pain. The pain was a constant torture like a knife stabbing at my back, creeping it's way to me one way or another.
Almost every night, I would take out my silver box unconsciously. I never did once open it though. I was afraid of what would happen to me if his words come running back to me once again. I clutched it close to my heart, or where it used to be, and cried. I believe if you collected my tears for the past year, it would be enough to flood all of North America. I was I was exaggerating, but sadly I’m not. I don’t understand how I can still have tears to cry. Sometimes at night, I feel David sitting beside me even though he was far beyond my reach. That only made matters worse. The worse way to miss someone is when you’re right
beside them wanting to reach out and touch them, but you know you can’t have them.
April 15, 2008 - The day that I decided to die. I just couldn’t take it any longer. My life had no meaning now that David was gone. I saw no reason to continue living. No one would care or notice if I died... Oh well... I’ve decided that August 8, 2008 would be the right date.
Time crept by slowly, the hands of time hauntingly counting down the days of my life. Tick tock, tick tock. The months passed. May. June. July. Just one more month of pain, I thought. Then, it would all be over. I could finally be in a pain-free environment. What a happy thought that is, knowing that I can finally smile. I would miss him. I knew I would. But at least I know that I could watch him from above and smile at his successes and happiness in life.
July passed with the usual pain and tears. I knew I was running out of time. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell David about my plans. I could not be so selfish and ruin his happy life with Ann. I see him everyday yet not once did he see me. I’ve memorized his schedules and followed him around just so I could see him more often. Why did I do that…? All that brought me was more pain and sorrow. But why? Why did I have to be so dumb? I guess it’s because I still haven’t let go of the love we used to have. I still love him more than anything in the world. No matter how he treated me, I know that somewhere deep down, he loves me too…
August 1, 2008 - I could feel it. My time on earth was coming to an end. Today I watched with tears as David and Ann walked hand-in-hand to church. I should really be happy for him because he found the true love of his life. But somehow, after all these years, I couldn’t bring myself to smile for him. No one but me, knew how I truly felt. I hated Ann for stealing him away. I hated what he did to me. I hated the fact that he chose her instead of me. I was angry. Very angry. But what would that do? It didn’t affect him at all…
August 7, 2008 - Tomorrow I would finally die. The date of my death had to be August 8. Just six years ago, on the very same day, David had asked me to be his. And it was just five years ago when he broke my heart. Everything happened on August 8th and so would my death. Earlier today, I consumed a large quantity of pills. I slowly waited for my life to end. I sat on the bed that evening, finishing this very story of my life. I suddenly felt really tired and I knew I only had hours left. I sat up for a while and memories kept running in and out of my head. I thought about the happy year that I spent with David and the smiles on our faces. Our first kiss… First hug… - Everything.
With my life ebbing away, I took out my silver box. I recited every word of all his letters with tears in my eyes. I clutched them tightly to my heart, hoping the he’ll remember me even after today. His words filled my head until I could think of nothing else. I cried miserably and I knew there was one last thing I had to do. Impulsively, I reached for my phone and dialled his number. He picked up on the first ring.
“Hello?” his loud voice boomed.
“I need to see you…” I said in the tiniest voice and hung up. I wasn’t sure if he would make it in time. The clock read 11:30 PM. The day is almost over and so is my time left on this earth. After a while, I heard a loud bang on my door followed by loud footsteps up to my room. David walked into my room, as handsome as ever. He rushed to my side and asked me what was wrong in a panicky voice.
“Hey David. I can’t believe how long it’s been since we’ve last spoken to each other. Don’t worry. Nothing’s wrong,” I lied,
“I have something to tell you but please stay calm. In minutes time, I would be leaving forever. I just needed to see you one last time before it is too late. That’s the reason why I called you here.” I touched his face. It was wet with tears. Somehow, he understood what I was talking about.
“No!” he yelled.
“You’re Not Leaving To Go Anywhere. You Can’t Leave Me Here. Remember What You Promised Me?”
I put on a faint smile and took his hand in mine.
“Just like how you promised me to be always together forever?” I chuckled feebly.
“Anyway, after I leave, I want you to read this story and this letter and you’ll understand everything.” I said pointing to the diary.
“Thank you for coming to see me one last time before I leave. I was so scared I would die alone. Ever since we broke up 5 years ago, no one has ever told me they loved me. No one said I was important. No one cared about me. But that’s okay... When I lost you, life lost all it's meaning. I’m not loved, not cared for, and not important to anyone. I took so much effort to keep my heart going. I can’t do it any longer. I’m so sorry that I have to break my promise.” Tears of pain came rolling out of my eyes.
“Don’t cry David. I want you to be happy with me for the last moments of my life. Oh how good it feels to finally smile and be happy.” I flashed him a weak smile. Although I was in tears, I felt happier than ever.
“Fiona, I love you…” I heard the pain in his voice as he choked the words out.
“Haha, I know you don’t mean it. You’re just saying that to make me feel better about my life. Even so, I want to thank you because that meant a lot to me. Now I can die knowing that my last wish came true. I can go now with a smile on my face because I know that at least one person on this earth loves me. Thank you...” I knew I only had seconds left. I took my last and final breath and one last tear flowed out of my eyes.
“I love you David. Good-bye...” My eyes shut, never to be opened again. And just like that I left, with David by my side.
“I love you too… I truly do…” he whispered but it was already too late. I had already left.
“NO!!!” he screamed, unable to accept everything that just happened.
I lay there beside the body of Fiona for a while, crying to myself. I read her story. Her letter went like this:
You are probably the last person I will talk to before I die as I’ve decided to kill myself since life meant nothing anymore. I’m very sorry for breaking my promise. There’s a lot that happened to me that you don’t know about. I didn’t want to ruin your perfect life with Ann. Ever since that day at the park 5 years ago, my life had turned into a living hell. As you told me that you wanted to leave me, I was in so much pain. There were no words to explain the way I was feeling. It was torment. Every breath I took hurt because I knew you would never be mine. Happiness left my life and I isolated myself from everyone else. I was in a deep depression. I had no one to talk to and no one to share my feelings with.
So that was how I lived the past 5 years - without a heart. I had only one reason to keep my heart beating: I still loved you. But it hurts too much. I can’t do it any longer...
There wasn’t one day that I lived without sadness. I would seriously give anything and everything to feel loved like I did 6 years ago, even if it is just for a day. I would give anything in the world to be the Ann in your life. I would lay in my bed every night crying to myself. I would often fantasize about what our future together could have been - how happy we should have been. Nothing killed me more than seeing you with Ann. But if you think that you belong with her, then promise me you won’t let anyone hurt you. When you walked away that day, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do but all I wanted was to set your heart free. When you left that day, you took my heart with you and a huge part of me died.
There’s so much pain in my chest, blacking out like a heart attack. Life is hard; death is easier.
I’ve always wondered what afterlife would be like. I guess I can find out soon. I hope you live a long and happy life before joining me. I guess I’ve finally learned to forgive you for what you did and I learned to live with the fact that you didn’t choose me. I don’t blame you for anything. If you’re wondering why I kept everything that was inside that silver box, I can tell you. I kept it all because everytime I see it, everytime I read your letters, I feel a little bit happier. I kept it because it was the only part of you that was still mine. It was the only thing I had left of you. It reminded me that true love does exist in this world. David, I just want to let you know that I don’t mind dying here and right now. I’ve lived life to the best of my ability. I have none but one regret: letting you go... So I had to pretend that I wasn’t going to miss you; and had to pretend that this was what I wanted to do. Haha, the funny thing is if it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have this happy ending... Oh well... I just have to accept what life had in store for me.
David, I'm so sorry for making you read this... You shouldn’t have to suffer with me. I was so scared that I’d die alone... With no one to share this with... David, thank you for showing me what true love means. And as long as you’re happy, I’ll be okay. Can you please take this silver box with you, treasure it for me and finish up my story. Thank you! My time is almost up so I might as well finish this letter.
As for my will, I would like to have my heart separated from the rest of my body and cremated separately. I would like the ashes of my heart to go to you and the rest disposed of nicely. That way you’ll know that my broken, fragile heart never stopped loving you in the past and will never stop loving you in the future. Take care of my heart David... I wish you and Ann a happy tear-free life from the bottom of my heart! Remember to keep on smiling!
P.S. I love you David. I always have and I always will.
It killed me to see how much pain I had brought her yet I had never realized it. What an idiot, I thought to myself. How could I have left her like that? I cried and wished that we hadn’t left. I wish that I didn’t leave her. She never broke her promise. She never stopped loving me. But what have I done? I broke her heart. I smashed her whole world into a billion pieces.Then I saw her silver box. It touched me so much to see how she never gave up loving me. I wish I had done the same for her too. I knew she was still there. I could still sense her presence. I knew that no matter where she was physically, she will always live forever in my heart - where she belongs. I knew that as long as I live, there would NOT be a day where I don’t regret leaving her. I’ve made a decision to leave Ann. Fiona never stopped loving me and I won’t stop loving her. I love her more than anything in this world. People say you only fall in love, really in love, once in a lifetime. So once you’ve found true love, NEVER let go.
P.S. There is no ending to this story. Fairytales are wrong when they say “And they lived happily ever after". True love never has an ending...
(By Faith Cheung)