So here goes nothing...
Today has been 4 years since I've known him, 3 years since I'm in love with him, 2 years since we dated, and a year since we officially broke up. I've tried my hardest to at least breathe. Life, for me, has been so wrong since then. I look left, mistakes. I look right, errors. I can barely look in front, because whenever I try to look at it, I see nothingness-emptiness-darkness. So, I'm basically stuck here with no life ahead. I can only walk down the memory lane which will probably break me down even more. Everything's clear to me, every single detail, every single word he said, it's just so crystal clear.
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4 years ago...
I could breathe fresh air again. Being stuck inside a hospital for a year nearly killed me. Birds were singing songs that only heaven can interpret. Sitting under a big old oak tree, with lavender and thyme essence, nothing can go wrong. Nothing could go wrong. With favourite novel in hand, I was ready to get out of this realm and escape to another realm; realm of imagination. I needed no interruption, when suddenly an unknown guy greeted me with the most dumbest question ever. "Have you eaten? Wait, you're cute!" just slipped out of his mouth like it was nothing. I was really annoyed, plus he cracked three lame jokes, I was near to walk away before he made some really funny jokes and successfully made me laugh, twice, and that's when I thought he's not an enemy. His face reminded me of Zayn Malik. Not as flawless as the singer, but close.
3 years ago...
It took me one whole year to get to know him deeply. What he is really like, in and out. I never really give that much of attention to him. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I know what he's like. But today was way different. I saw a whole other side of him that I never really saw before. I think I'm falling for this guy, hard. I knew this is real when he met me this really late at night after calling me asking how I was doing for the day, and I started crying because I got dumped. He asked to meet me at our first meeting, under the big old oak tree, and he held me, tight. Like, he was never going to let go. I remembered his smell, the pumping of his heart, the hotness of his skin on me, everything. I was feeling way better with him by my side. Ever since that night, I craved for his attention. But I kept it all inside. I bottled it all inside. No one needed to know, especially him.
2 years ago...
It was officially 730 days since I've known him. Two years. 365 days since I've fallen for him. I was taken to a diner near my home to 'celebrate' the 730th day. Later that night, he brought me to the big old oak tree again. We lay down, the far-reaching sky as the roof. He reached out for my hand and I ended up laying down on his shoulder. My heart was beating as fast as a racer can go.
"Do you like me?" he asked after being a complete silent for about 10 minutes.
"Of course I do, idiot." I really hoped I sounded okay when I know I sounded shaky. I just couldn't hide it anymore.
"As a brother to a sister?" he asked, finding my eyes.
"Why do you even bother asking?" I sounded like I will burst out crying. In fact, I was about to because no one ever really knew how deep my love was for him. I have to bottled it all when he said he liked this girl, and that girl looked hot, and there was this one time where he asked me to ask for a girl's number because the girl smiled at him. And the girl was really pretty, there's no way in hell that she could ever fight with the girl. The girl dated him for about two months.
"Because I don't think I feel the same as you are." he said, letting me go, and sat up. I guessed he knew that I loved him more than a friend, more than a bestfriend.
"Okay.........." I just couldn't hold it any longer. I had to cry.
"I love you. I'm sorry if you don't feel the same way. But I do, I can't help it. I know this is cliché but I think of you every day before I went to sleep and you're the first person to ever linger on my mind just after I wake up every morning. I don't know what to do. I was so scared of telling you how I feel because I know you're not feeling the same way. I know you do love me but not in the same way. And I like that, but I hate that too. I like that because I know there's a special place for me in your heart but I hate that that special place for me is just as a bestfriend and not a lover."
"Oh you idiot. I love you."
"I know you do, as a brother." I could see that there was tear streamed down his cheek. I gently wiped it away with my fingers. Taking the chance to hold his face. His eyes, were so innocent, were so sad, yet so peaceful. I can drown inside it.
"Shut up, already. I love you. As an ehm ehm."
1 year ago...
I met the doctor today to do some check-ups. The doctor reminded me that my time is ticking. Tick tock tick tock. Time flew way too fast. 4 years has passed since the operation succeeded. I only have a year left. By this time my hair started falling. The next thing I would know is that I'm bald and super-sick. I know my time is near. I needed to stop playing around.
"I wanted to talk." I started. This was not going to be good. I will hate myself for eternity.
"Yes, darling? My beautiful angel?"
"I know I should've told you earlier. But I have a brain tumour. And I have only a year left before I die. I'm dying."
"W-w-what?" He stuttered.
"I'm asking only one favour from you. Leave me."
"Do you really want to?"
"I desperately want to." I said. He cuddled me, and kissed me for the last time. The time that I will cherish every moment. I can still feel his soft lips rested against mine. I ran away, after that.
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Dear Zayn-look-alike,
I saw you yesterday with the girl you once asked me to get her number. I'm happy that you got back together with her again. Who am I kidding? It hurts so much to even look at you guys. You guys are so perfect together. We were never perfect. Never. I was so awkward and you were so magnificent. You still are. We don't belong to each other anyway. As I'm writing this letter, I only have 5 minutes left. So, better make this quick. I want to make sure that this letter is safely in your hands. I knew I love you a year after we met. That's pretty insane, right? To hide my feelings for a year. But yea, I somehow manage it. When I die, could you please keep my heart? I told the doctor to open up my chest and take my heart out. This is my present for you, because you were always there, for me, when I needed someone. You were always there, comforting, telling me stories, made me stronger. So, this is my heart, as a significant that my heart will be yours. I don't know what I would be doing if you hadn't come into my life. I'm so thankful to have you here. I'm so sorry because I can't keep my promise to make you smile always. I hope the new girl will take my job. Just know that I will always be watching and smiling and loving you even after I'm dead. I love you.
xoxoxoxo